photo credit

photo credit

I had a different post scheduled today.  I had been thinking for weeks about what I was going to say about 9/11 that I hadn’t said before.  I was wondering in secret what some of my fellow bloggers were wondering aloud: “Is it terrible to not post anything?  Or to post something not 9/11 related?”

After so many years, the impact to my life is still there.  I still think about it regularly.  I still look at my life and see daily proof that one horrendous act changed the course of my life forever.

I often post sad reflections on those changes.  I write about who I was, who I am now, and how far apart those people feel… But this year, it is with sadness in my heart, that on 9/11, I can’t help but feel lucky.

My husband has deployed multiple times to combat zones in this fight against terrorism.  And he has come home.  He is whole, even if I don’t always feel that I am.

My life, while changed, moved, and altered by the events an unbelievable 12 years ago, is still put together.  My foundation is still sound, my home is still with my husband… And I am lucky.

I am lucky because no matter how my life may have been touched, I am not sitting here having lost everything.  My husband is home.  He is alive and while 12 years of war can take its toll on anyone, we are largely still a young couple in love.  And we are lucky.

 Let alone the profound sense of lucky I feel.  I hate knowing that I only feel this lucky because I know so many who were not.  I know so many who, in the course of this war, in the course of 12 years, can’t say they are as lucky as we have been.

I hate to look at my friends and know how I would feel to be in their shoes, to have my heart break repeated for them for the losses they have suffered.  Some have loved ones who went into a crashing, burning building, only to never come back out.  Some have spouses who went off to war and never came home, and some, have spouses who came home in body only, their minds forever fighting a battle within.

And I am lucky.

 And it hurts my heart and my soul to know that, while my life altered its course forever on that September day all those years ago, I have not suffered the losses of some.  And it hurt my heart to know that some, so many, have an annual remind that is nationally publicized, nationally recognized, shared on Facebook, talked about on Twitter, and even discussed in schools, to remind them of their loss.  And that that same day simply reminds me that I am lucky.