Everyone loves to have a really great laugh about the various follies of their youth, their wild behavior or random indescrestions. I mean, really, who doesn’t love a story about something crazy?
Me? I have tons of them. And my friends love to have me tell them. The truth is, for all my foul language and snarky behavior, I’m surprisingly conservative in real life. I hate wearing things that show too much skin, I’m not crazy about tons of makeup when I go out and I actually rarely put any one at all. My main vice is drinking.
I drank A LOT in high school. I drank so much in high school that by the time I turned twenty-one it was a bore. I went to Vegas to celebrate, I hit a few bars, but really, the novelty of drinking wore of at 12:01am on my birthday. All that drinking leads to some pretty hilarious tales though. And I’m happy to recount (most of) them to my friends as we laugh at a wild and misspent youth.
One of my more fabulous stories is the time I turned a straight guy gay.
I’m not here to argue gay rights, nature VS nurture or any of that jazz. I’m here to tell you about the time I hit a house party of a friend of a friend of a friend.
We arrived in true loud and raucous fashion. I headed straight to the kitchen and proceeded to pour out my signature line of shots of tequila. This is what I do. I drink tequila. I drink it straight out of the bottle, but I don’t like to do that right away, that would be rude. But a line of shots ready for me to slam through them, that’s a nice way to ease into a party. You can lick your full forearm and pour salt all the way down it, then cut your lime in half and get a good six or seven shots off that in rapid succession. That was my signature.
Once I began doing that and teaching others how to as well, someone -cough, me, cough cough-suggested body shots. It just so happened that a very cute young man was standing next to me when I did so. What a crazy happenstance! What are the odds!?
He and I proceeded to get drunker by the minute and at some point decided to have a rather fabulous kissing session while licking salt off each other. But that’s not really all that ridiculous is it? That’s pretty standard and par for the course. At some point our designated driver disappeared, my friend with a broken food couldn’t drive us home and I may or may not have been too young to drive at the time. (I told you, I drank my way through high school).
The following day was my first day at my new job. Brand new employee, brand new job, brand new people…
That is, brand new people until I was introduced to the person in charge of training me. Who just so happened to be the very cute, very drunk, gentleman I had allowed to lick salt off of my usually covered up parts. Talk about horrifying.
There I am, standing in front of a guy whose name I can’t remember, hung over and realizing that I don’t know his name, but we sure “know” each other. We shook hands as if we were strangers and waiting for my tour with the boss to be done before discussing with each other how the universe was conspiring against us.
This guy turned out to be one of my best friends in the long run. It’s hard to not get along with and become friends with someone who once licked salt off your cleavage and then took a bit of lime out of your mouth via a very passionate kiss after having just met you. And whom you allowed to give a drunken bang trim to you while sitting outside in the dark. (Seriously, he asked me to cut his hair and I obliged. We were nutty!) So where does the gay thing come in? About two years later.
I wasn’t surprised that he was gay and, frankly, I couldn’t care either way. Gay, straight, whatever dude. But one night, we were sitting around having a few drinks and hanging out with our co-workers when we decided to share how we truly met and knew each other. I mean, it is odd for two strangers to instantly bond the way we did. We laughed and cheered at all the good parts as the tale of drunken hair cuts, kisses, and I think a shower was involved at some point, was woven vividly right before us.
He and I hugged and laughed even harder. All sexual chemistry had long since been gone. It had never gone past our drunken “first date.” But then he announced to everyone that he believes that I was his last straight experience. In fact, it was the next day that he felt sure he was gay for the first time and it was a few days after that that he came out to his friends and family.
Yep, I have that talent. I take a smoken’ hot straight guy and help him realize he’s gay.