These are the real thoughts and feelings that I may have on any given day. A real, unfiltered look at life with chronic illness and chronic pain.
Photo Credit: Death to Stock Photo
I never thought, at any point in my life, that I would be disabled and unable to work at 30. Now that I am, it’s hard to not feel like my dreams are dead.
I’m angry at the universe that terrible people are out there walking and enjoying life when I can’t
Sometimes, I blame my husband for my pain. Even when I know he got busy and forgot to take the trash out, it’s easier to blame him for being my painful today, than admit that this is just my life.
I resent my family for acting like we didn’t need help. Even when we asked for it. I stopped calling my mother six months ago. She stopped calling two years ago.
It still hurts that one of my best friends stopped coming around. She was one of the first to exit my life and two years later, I’m still angry at her for letting me down when I needed her most.
Most days, my optimism is completely false. It is entirely a show I put on for the world so they won’t know how hopeless I feel.
At least one day a week, I wonder if I made it all up and really am just a drama queen who deserves no help.
Sometimes I’m angry at my husband for not taking better care of himself. For eating like crap and never caring about health. He is taking for granted something i’d kill to have. Perfect health.
At least once a week, I blame myself for my illness. If I had eaten better, run more, taken better care of myself, worked fewer hours, put less pressure on myself, and cut myself some slack, this never would have happened to me.
I still think that I will wake up one day totally fine again and this will all just be something that happened once.
Sometimes I think I deserve this. That the faults of mine, mistakes I’ve made, and all of the times I could have been a kinder and better person created a well of karmic retribution. This is my punishment for not being the person I could have been sooner.