I was 22 when i met my husband. We were both largely unaware of who we thought we might be in five years, let alone the ebb and flow of personality over a lifetime.
It’s not to say we were too young, simply to say that we were both maturely aware of our decisions and any potential consequences but were unaware or, maybe more appropriately, said to be unmindful of my lack of definition of who I was and his dramatic changes from deployment to deployment.
People grow, they change, they have defining moments and those moments don’t stop occuring when you turn 25. In our life together we have spent enormous amounts of time apart. We worked opposite shifts for 90% of our time together. He deployed, I went to and graduated from school and started a new carreer.
But we hit all of our personal and professional milestones apart from each other, simply able to mention such achievements cooly in passing as I went to bed and he left for work… Assuming that time overlapped, which it didn’t always.
When you grow out of the eyesight of your partner, you truly so begin to grow apart.
And in marriage you often have times that you can’t stand each other or question who the person in your bed even is. You can’t spend a lifetime with someone and always agree with them or even always like them. It’s simply how life is.
This not all to say anything negative about marriage or relationships. This is all to say that I have yet again found myself in a spot of life in which I often find myself questioning who he is and if we are even compatible at all. Our lives have gone haywire since I got sick and in some ways we have closed our bond to be tighter and in others, as our life views continued to be shaped by the obstacles we face with my illness, we don’t seem to be in the same forrest, let alone on the same path.
This is all to say that I find myself in the position of remembering that he and I are humans who are changed and defined by the things that happen to us. And as humans have a tendency to do, we both change in our own unique ways. There is nothing wrong with us, or me, or him. It is simply time for me to accept him as he is NOW, and not try to force him to be who he WAS.
Marriage changes just as all things do. You grow, you change, you have new things you hate, old things you learned to love, and it all creates this beautiful, ever changing tapestry of a human, whose origins and changes can be charted and inspected much like rings in a tree.
Embrace the change. Accept it. It will happen anyway.
And when it’s done, look at your partner and fall in love all over. And love the person you see and let go of who they once were and remember that you aren’t who you were a decade ago either.