If I’ve learned anything in my life, I’ve learned that I am one of those lucky people that just never seems to be able to have any experience go according to plan. Even the very simple and straightforward experiences that most take for granted end up with a whiff of the ridiculous floating through.
For this example of the ridiculous in my life, I will be sharing a very personal story involving my lady bits. I will give you this opportunity to decide how well you REALLY want to know me, because you may know me very well by the end.
When I had my last lady exam, my doc had mentioned the idea of doing an IUD. I have been on Depo for a very long time. Most of my menstruating life in fact. I was blessed with a uterus that didn’t seem to want to work the way nature intended and when my periods failed to regulate by the time I was 14, my doctor at the time put me on hormonal birth control, which was great until it stopped worked. Turns out, estrogen based stuff just fails epically in my body and Depo became the next choice.
This all being said, it means I have always been reluctant to go off of Depo. When nothing else has done much, I have natural concerns. But my doctor assured me that this IUD was also progesterone and would last for five years. Given my aversion to being poked and the fact that it fucking hurts! I was happy to consider the alternative.
After having my consultation with my OBGYN and going over the process, it seemed like it may be a good idea. She assured me that it was very likely that I would have the same experience as Depo and that because I had actually just gotten my injection, I would likely avoid much of the unpleasant beginnings that the IUD causes. That was enough to sell me.
Still no periods. No uncomfortable adjustment period. No injections. Last for five to seven years. SOLD! DEAL! SIGN ME UP!
The trouble began the day before the insertion when I ended up at my rheumatologist office because of severe fatigue and frequent minor flare-ups. It was decided that I was to be placed back on Methotrexate injections. This is a low dose chemotherapy treatment used to treat some autoimmune disease. I have been on it before and they wanted to add it back into the mix. And it makes me incredibly nauseous.
Given the pain I was in, it was important to me to get my meds started right away. As soon as I had the medication, I did my injection. By the evening, I had a bit of an upset stomach. By morning, I was so nauseous it was hard to concentrate. But I was not about to not go to my appointment. It promised to be unpleasant and I’m much more likely to wuss out of anything involving discomfort and my uterus if I don’t stick to it the first time. Having never really experienced having periods, I am ill equip to deal with even the most minor discomfort involving my otherwise rather unassuming uterus.
I drank some ginger ale and left for my appointment. How bad could this be? She said it was not comfortable, she said it was intense but short lived. I can tolerate a lot if I know it will end soon.
By the time my half naked body was on the table waiting for the doctor, I found I was getting very nauseous again. I began deep breathing because the vomity sweats were starting. I did not need that. But she entered at that time and I found that lying down eased the nausea enough to be tolerable.
She did a lot of normal girly exam things. Then she numbed my cervix, which I wasn’t really aware was something I could feel until it started to feel like the speculum was falling out and I figured that must be what a numb cervix felt like. She made a joke about how she was “cleansing” my cervix, which took everything I had not to mimic poltergeist and say, “This cervix is clear.” I wasn’t sure she’d appreciate the joke while elbow deep in my vagina.
She told me what she was doing at each step so there were no surprises. I have an 8cm uterus, which I’m told is average. Who knew? She did all the lady doctor things and then said told me she was going to be putting the IUD in next and that the pain can be intense. I focused on the flowing river poster she was kind enough to put on the ceiling for patients to look at when she is doing things like shoving painful things into uteri.
I resumed some deep breathing to both counteract the pain, but also the nausea. Suddenly, I felt an incredibly terrible pain in my abdomen and nearly jumped off the table. I had been caught off guard by the insertion because I was focusing on the river and breathing. It was enough to make my stomach say, “Fuck you!” And I began a really deep cleansing breath that you can only manage when you are absolutely sure you are about to vomit on a woman who is elbow deep in your vagina with pokey instruments in there and, oh yeah, you are also naked from the waist down and would be getting just as much on yourself as her.
She commended my deep breathing, citing that it was probably helping keep things less painful. I nodded and hoped she saw, because there was a solid chance that if I opened my mouth, I would, in fact, vomit on her. I lay there for a few minutes while she went over instructions and made notes. The pain had subsided, and just some cramping was happening which was normal. And I finally regained the ability to talk and verified what I could and couldn’t take medication wise.
She seemed none the wiser that I had almost vomited on her, which was what I had hoped for. I have a hard time finding OBGYN’s that I like and I don’t want the first one in ages to not want me as a patient because she can’t trust I won’t puke on her head any time she does something uncomfortable because EVERYTHING an OBGYN does is uncomfortable.
Next time, I’ll remember to take my anti-nausea meds before hand. I have to see her for a recheck in six weeks and I just pray that I don’t have word vomit and admit that I almost actual vomited on her… Because I also do that. Because “not good at life” just about sums me up.